I’ve been blogging more lately on my other blog and part of it is because I’ve made the decision to stop blogging here.

a few years ago I was going to try and teach my LiveJournal friends how to use a feed reader, and then I was going to kill that journal. quite frankly, LiveJournal is lame. WordPress is much sexier, and it has RSS feeds for comments! with LJ, if you aren’t a member you can’t be notified of comments on an entry. and even if you are a member, you can’t be notified of all comments — only ones that are on entries on which you comment. basically, LJ sucks.

but, most of the people that comment on my blog do so on LJ. and so, this blog is going on hiatus for now.

if you read this blog, please just go read my LiveJournal I guess. this one was always just a mirror of the other, so I’m just gonna go back to that.

bye bye, WordPress. I really like you. but, I have a much longer history with LJ and that wins for now.

I have so much to say generally but I just never seem to get around to it. I have lots of thoughts around depressing things like relationships, divorce, and mental illness. but I also have lots of thoughts around community, politics, life and love.

but, it’s a bit late and I confess I want to watch Survivor before I go to bed :)

sometimes I get grumpy and fed up, but generally I really am very happy. frustrated at times because I do struggle with loneliness, but for the most part I’m quite happy and content. oh and my job has been making me so pissy lately, as I’ve mentioned here and there, but I’m also actively taking steps to try and make it work.

in good news, it looks like a friend of mine is going to be a travel partner for me while we go to either Mexico or Cuba in February. I’m excited!! I’ve been actively trying to make a trip south happen for at least a year, and I’ve been thinking about it for at least four. I’d rather go as a big group, but I think just the two of us will have lots of fun. right now we’re trying to figure out where to go. Mexico seems cheaper, but overall Cuba has a better reputation. in a little bit we’ll probably make a decision. probably something all-inclusive just to make things simple, I’m gonna guess. we haven’t really talked too much about this.

if you want to keep up on my life from day to day, the best place is actually Twitter I have to say. look me up. it’s my first name and last name all in one word. but, I’ll also try and post here more generally too.

ooh, okay before I go I have to tell you this: tomorrow for lunch I’m going out with two friends that are a couple, plus a guy that they want to set me up with. a blind date that’s also a double date. ha! should be fun. after work I am going in for a consultation on my next tattoo: scattered snowflakes up the inside of my right arm, from wrist to armpit. then I play soccer — first game of the indoor season and it’s against my sister team so that will be fun. and then I am going to meet up with the girl that I made out with in August (that I never mentioned here) and I think something fun is going to happen. something I’ve never done before, so it scares me and I’ve been avoiding her, but I’m finally ready I think.

life really is good with me. I just use this journal to bitch a lot. but honestly, I’m pretty okay with my life. and I love you, just so you know. even though you never comment :)

today on Facebook people are talking an awful lot about gay rights, gay acceptance, the tendency of gay teenagers to take their lives, and also about the recent gay bashing that happened in my city.

so, today is a good day to talk about the fact that I am not straight.

I think it’s a little weird that I’m not super open about that fact. it comes up, and I’m not ashamed, but I don’t think it’s widely known that I would date women if I had the chance. considering how openly gay-positive I am, it’s phenomenally perplexing that I’m not that open about myself.

in university I realized I was bisexual, and especially near the end I heavily identified as bi. I hate hate hate that word, though, which is part of the reason I just don’t say it much. other reasons I’ve never really talked about it much: I have never dated a woman, until recently I’d never done more than kiss a girl, it’s kind of easier and more socially acceptable to talk about how much I like boys, and since I realized I am bisexual I have worried that people would misunderstand my bisexuality for lesbianism.

I am not a lesbian, and unfortunately I don’t actually trust that society will label me properly. bisexuality doesn’t seem to be very accepted or understood. from what I’ve seen and read, lots of folks believe that you are either straight or gay with little in between. there’s also this adorable little thing called bi-curiosity. I don’t think I’m bi-curious. I don’t think it’s just a matter of wanting to smooch a few girls and see how it feels; I genuinely would like to date a woman.

however, it began in university and continues to this day that I worry that people will just label me as a lesbian rather than as bisexual. and I do lean more towards liking men than women, so I’ve never really wanted to be that public about my bisexuality. I also haven’t needed to be that out, because for the most part I’ve been satisfied with dating men.

also quite frankly, I know I look kinda butch. like I said, I do worry a lot that if I am public about liking girls, that people will think I like only girls. I just don’t want to close any options off.

when I joined Facebook, I am ashamed to say I indicated on it that I was interested in men. happily, though, earlier this year I removed that reference. embarrassingly, though, instead of putting that I like men and women, I just don’t have anything in that spot at all. it feels like a giant copout. I don’t like it. I’m also friends with my mom on Facebook, though, and while I think if I came home with a girlfriend my parents would eventually be okay with it, I just don’t want to worry them now if it turns out I’ll date mostly men in the end. I definitely feel like a traitor to my sexuality, but I also just don’t want to fight about it now.

so, there you have it. I have always been gay positive but never super open about my own sexuality. I’m going to try and be more open. not just to open up my own dating possibilities, but also because in hiding myself, I’m doing a great disservice to other bisexual folks.

I saw this great image on Facebook today. it said, “some people are gay. get over it.” yes! we all need to just get over it.

today I am not at work. instead I am home with a cold, my two adorable dogs, the internet, and coffee. I am feeling pretty good, actually. soon I will eat lunch, get properly dressed, and do a bit of yardwork.

ah, yardwork. I don’t even mind doing it but the problem with yardwork is that when it needs to be done, it needs to be done now. damn your plans! or your mood. rake my leaves! sigh. I put it off for too long this year, and now it’s pretty cold out. well, 11 degrees anyway. not awful, but it’s chilly. and the yardwork needs to get done soon before the snow flies, or it will be an even bigger mess in the spring.

as a kid it ALWAYS snowed before Hallowe’en. these days, not so much. hello climate change. or, maybe I just remember things wrong. the snow will be here soon, though, even if it doesn’t stick around.

my weekend began kind of annoyingly, then became irrationally annoying, then legitimately frustrating, but then ended well.

Friday after work I had a 2 hour soccer skills clinic. it was awesome, except that I was already sick with my cold and I didn’t have a ton of energy to devote to running around. later that evening I wanted to do something with friends and thought maybe a group trip to see Fubar 2 would be rad. it would have been, but I couldn’t find anyone. I was basically okay with that, although a little disappointed; I texted 20 people and had no takers. I could have gone over to a friend’s house and chilled out quietly, but by then I’d showered post-soccer and really didn’t feel like putting myself back together again. so I watched tv on my laptop and was asleep just after midnight.

Saturday morning I had the last 2 hours of the soccer clinic. I learned a few new things that have me jazzed up to play soon. woo! I then went Hallowe’en costume shopping for many hours. I wanted to go with friends, but folks were busy. I texted about 6 of the likeliest folks, but yeah, busy. I got all of the bits of my costume except for some bubble wrap and perhaps more body paint, and I even got the insurance form for my glasses signed by the optician. $250 back soon will be nice!

Saturday night I was supposed to FG’s comedy show, but I wasn’t feeling all that motivated since we’re not together anymore. and it was $25. and it took him 24 hours to reply to the text I sent asking if I could hang out with him and the comedy boys since I couldn’t find anyone to go with. he replied at 7:45 that ya, I could. but, too late. I was already making dinner and thinking I wouldn’t go.

this is where my weekend got super frustrating. I got bad news from work and was pretty angry. and then I was feeling frustrated that I couldn’t find anyone at all to do any of the things I’d hoped to do on the weekend. nobody for Fubar 2. nobody for costume shopping. nobody for comedy. argh!!

but then I decided well I guess I’ll go hang out with a couple of friends that I love a lot, even if they aren’t doing the things I’d wanted to do. and it was lovely. we talked a bit, then went to see The Social Network. the movie was really great! I loved it. forget that it’s about Facebook — that’s irrelevant to the story. the relationships were fascinating, and the cinematography was surprisingly beautiful in places.

on Sunday I got invited out to play games early in the afternoon, but instead I did yard work and went to my neighbours to watch the football game and work on my Hallowe’en costume. it was just us three girls, and it was great. and we did some nice relaxing and I felt happy and content again. I feel happy and content again.

on Sunday evening, which was yesterday of course, wall climbing started up again too. yay! we all had fun catching up with each others’ lives. so nice. and I got to the top of the 60 foot wall on my first climb, even though I fell a few times in order to do it. I lost a lot of muscle tone in my forearms while being off climbing since June. but, I was glad that I still had the basic skills. and I am glad today that I’m not near as sore as I thought I’d be. soon, I should be back to where I was!

I’m feeling like I have a lot of potential in my life right now, and that’s a good feeling. I’m a little daunted by how to turn potential into reality, though. most of this stuff one can’t control. you can throw your hat in the ring and decide to jump in, but the results are unpredictable and a little bit too tied to ego. I’m talking about relationships, both friendships and romantic relationships. and I’m talking about work, both my current job and my career path in general. these are the things where it’s easier not to try than it is to try and risk failure. although trying and failing is still better than not trying at all, it’s something I’ve always found absolutely terrifying.

I’ll post more soon.

it will be two years in February since I’ve seen her, and I don’t plan to see her any time soon. she was her usual abusive self when I saw her then, and I decided that once and for all I was done. she was mad that everyone was asleep when she arrived (at that point my dad had been back to work for 10 months but he was still very much weakened by his cancer treatments, and it was midnight and he was exhausted). she was mad that her room was full of construction dust (at least she got a bed; our brother slept on the laminate floor in the dining room). she wouldn’t eat the lunch we made her. we had family photos taken and she scowled throughout. the photographer, a friend of mine, was convinced she hated him. no, she hates me. and my mom. and everything that isn’t her idea. it was my gift to my parents for their 35th wedding anniversary. I’m glad we got the photos done, but her behaviour was humiliating for us all.

until that trip she was at least nice to our dad. she’s always hated my mom and I. even as a kid she wasn’t very nice to me. for the last little while, though, she has been cruel to our father now too. she was always Daddy’s Girl and I’ve been mystified as to why she’s now shunning him. turns out, they had a fight after they left my place that weekend.

my mom told me this weekend that my sister had wanted our dad to take her to look at condos at a resort town. he, again still weakened by cancer treatments, decided he couldn’t take her because he was too tired. it was a five hour drive there, and a five hour drive back. and it had to be done in a day because she wasn’t in town long. she threw a fit and has been avoiding his calls since.

yeah. she’s a peach.

here’s a better one: apparently my sister was in Saskatchewan for a whole month. she lives just outside of Detroit, but she was working in Moosomin. she contacted our gramma and saw her. she contacted an aunt and uncle and saw them. she did not tell our parents she was nearby. our parents, meanwhile, called and left message after message. they had vacation time and they wanted to go down to Michigan and visit her. but, she never returned their calls and they had no idea she was only a day’s drive away.

it was my sister’s 36th birthday on Saturday. my parents called and left messages, which she did not return. both of my parents cried.

I feel so bad for my poor parents.

I am trying to not let this make me hate my sister more. I am trying to hate her actions, instead of hating her. if she is actually mentally ill, instead of a raging bitch, then I should feel compassion towards her.

I don’t, though. not really.

for the past year I’ve been wanting to reach out to her, because I have recognized some of her behaviour as stuff I went through when I was really depressed. I haven’t, though, because I am quite convinced that it will do no good. I doubt she’d read an email from me. if she did respond, it would likely be with abuse. she won’t respond, though, and I’ll wait and wonder for weeks if she will.

despite that, I’m writing her an email. I don’t think it will do a damn bit of good, but at least I can say I tried.

and I’m still going to continue to avoid her. if I never see her again, I’m okay with that. but, the way she abuses our parents? she’s making them absolutely miserable and they don’t deserve that.

I’m not angry anymore, just sad. we actually had a good talk tonight. pushing people away is something he is good at, he says. it made me really sad.

I also push people away. it’s really hard letting others in. I am great at superficial friends, and I am great at pretty decent friends. but, best friends that last over time? I don’t have any. I’ve had long friendships but I just don’t feel like I am good at connecting for a long time. maybe I’m better at it than I realize, though. there are a lot of things I’m good at that I think I suck at. it’s something I think about.

lately I’ve also been thinking about how I was always grateful that I moved so much as a kid (every 3 – 4 years). I thought it made me good at making friends, and good at welcoming new people into the group. I am always nice to the new kid. and it did teach me those things and I like that part of my personality, but I’m beginning to wonder if it also made me bad at long term relationships too. I just realized now that my first and only big relationship lasted 6.5 years, and I’ve always said it lasted 2 years longer than it should have. interesting. and sad.

FG and I are going to still be friends. I think we’ll still be good friends. I hope so.

for the record, we were together for four months. that’s tied for second longest relationship for me. sigh.

I’ve been frustrated with FG lately. it feels like something is missing. it feels like he’s keeping me away, and I don’t like it. is he bad at dating like me? is he scared? is he just not that into me? hard to tell. or, I haven’t been able to admit the truth.

so yesterday I tried to have a talk. especially since earlier in the day he sent me a text saying, “sorry I was grumpy last night. I guess I have some shit to sort out.” I tried to talk to him, and instead he refused to look at me and kept his gaze focused on the tv. oh, and he told me that talking wasn’t his style. and he told me that he wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend until he had his life sorted out. when I pointed out that nobody has their life sorted out, he didn’t reply. he just stared at the tv. I even said that if he just wanted to be friends, that I’d be okay with that. I gave him a big out and he didn’t take it. he just ignored me.

eventually I let it go. he had a nap.

seriously, where do I find these guys? either all men who are interested in me are complete jerks, or I turn men into complete jerks. I’m willing to bet it’s both.

I didn’t end things. I was so shocked that he reacted the way he did. this morning I woke up and realized it was over. we have plans tomorrow night and I think it will be kinda fun so I’m not cancelling them. I thought that if he bothered to text me today that I might end things today, but it’s almost 8pm and I haven’t heard anything. so, tomorrow we will go out. and either before the night ends, or on Wednesday evening, or sometime early next week because I’m going away for the weekend, we will have a make or break conversation. considering I plan to begin with “I am not happy with you, and you don’t seem to care, so I don’t want to date you anymore,” I’m pretty sure that we will not last through that conversation.

mostly people today have congratulated me for being strong and not putting up with crap. mostly today I have felt like I have once again failed, and I am four months closer to dying alone.

hello Angry Me. welcome back. it’s been a while. I haven’t missed you at all, by the way.

things are meh with FG and I. I remember with my ex worrying every time we had a disagreement. I wasn’t sure what the threshold for dumping was. for FG, though, every time he does something that I don’t like, I wonder if I should dump him.

I am so skittish when it comes to relationships. yep, I totally want a commitment. but I also had a horrendous experience last time I was in a long relationship, and I am terrified I might make the same mistake again.

FG and I seem to be super similar. he is kind of the boy version of me. do I want to date someone exactly the same as me? I am not too sure.

last week FG ended up staying at my house from Friday night until Thursday morning. it was so great! but then Friday things were meh at first but then got better. Saturday I only saw him for an hour and that was just to work on his resume. Sunday we saw each other also for only about an hour and it included him accusing me of having a bad memory when I am pretty sure he never told me the thing I supposedly forgot. it was irritating. it was also a lot like my ex.

I can’t keep comparing FG to my ex, it’s not fair to FG, but it’s so damn hard!

he moves to his new place this week, so I won’t likely see him tomorrow and Wednesday he has an improv thing he’s doing (which I’ll be going to). Thursday I am hoping to go swimming, but maybe he’ll have time for me later. at the very least I should see him this weekend. I am hoping to have some talks with him. I don’t want to get too heavy, but we need to start talking to each other more. I would like things to either get better or end. I think we do have potential to be pretty happy together, but it won’t happen the way things are.

blah. I think people think we spend massive amounts of time together. except for last week, we don’t. I feel like my friends have all but disappeared, though, and I’m not sure if it’s circumstantial, my fault, or theirs. it’s frustrating, though. I’m beginning to gather together new friends, and while they are lovely, it’s because my old friends seem to have slipped away. I don’t like that feeling. I miss my friends.

on Friday I watched the football game at my favourite pub with friends and it was a pretty good time. although I wasn’t really watching the game as much as I normally would because I was busy chatting with other friends, I did manage to learn a few more of the finer points of football. I’m beginning to really understand why people like it. it’s a fairly complicated game!

after the game we made our way to a tapas bar and had some wine. this is where things got strangely negative, though. we got to talking about relationships and I got into a frustrated rant, although I don’t remember the specifics. I ended up leaving super grumpy and even got into a bit of a fight-ish thing with the friend that walked me back towards the pub. this friend has never been single for more than five minutes in his whole entire life and he was trying to give me dating advice. on one hand, someone who has never been single you’d think would have good advice, yes? well I didn’t think so on Friday. besides it’s the same old advice all the time and it gets boring. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I am a disaster at dating and I always will be, and that’s that. unfortunately I forgot that sometimes you can just say “I want to stop this conversation. let’s change the subject.”

anyway, it’s not like we had a huge fight, but I stormed off to meet up with FG. things have been mostly okay with him lately except that there has been something missing. all week I’ve been mulling over my options. it had been feeling like we’re just friends, and that’s not good after only 3 months! more distressingly, it’s been feeling like we’re just killing time with each other.

I arrived at the pub and although it was noticed that I was in a bad mood, things got smoothed over quite quickly and I relaxed. it helped that when FG was trying to tell me something, he mostly just kissed my ear for a bit! ah, affection! I like affection! it’s what had been missing. I don’t need to be making out with him in public, but for him to finally treat me like a ladyfriend instead of a buddy was refreshing.

on the way home that night we also had a very quick chat about some of the other things that seem to have been keeping us apart, and all of a sudden it feels like he’s finally let me into his life. yay!

we ended up spending almost the entire weekend together. in fact, it’s now Tuesday and he’s been sleeping at my house since Friday! this has not happened ever. well, not since I met my ex-husband.

Saturday we had lunch with his friends, then went to the arcade for an hour and played games, then hung out in the park with a bouncy ball while we waited for a prescription of his to be filled, then had a nap together, then cooked supper together including making home made french fries, then went to his comedy night where everyone completely wailed, then went back to his place and hung out and eventually ended up back at my place.

Sunday we made a quick breakfast together, then he went off to work while I napped, then he came back over after work and we made the most delicious flax crackers that we took to a potluck. (I’ll post the recipe soon!)

best potluck ever! everyone brought a vegetable and we put it all together into two delicious stews. my friends are amazing cooks! and, well, one is a professional chef so that helps too, ha. some folks brought fresh bread as well, and there was also a pie plus some apple crisp made from apples picked in the city. I have lots of pictures! I’ll post soon.

FG also kept telling this story about how I have this great little cookbook on a top shelf in my kitchen so it’s completely useless because I’m too short to reach it. but, we found the recipe for flax crackers in there and isn’t it great? basically, I loved that he was making it pretty clear to everyone that we are Together. like I said, he doesn’t need to be making out with me or even holding hands, but until this past weekend he’d almost not even acknowledge me in public it was so ridiculous.

so. I am happy! happier, anyway. I’ve been pretty happy, with occasional falls, for the past year or so. FG and I are in a nice spot right now it seems. it feels good.

I don’t talk here too much about the parents thing, but it’s a pretty huge deal in my life. my parents live 8 hours away. it could be further, yes indeed, but it’s just far enough that I only see them a few times a year. to go visit I need to have a long weekend or take a day off of work.

I miss the days when they lived only 3.5 hours away. that was pretty decent actually, because I could drive up after work on Friday even if I worked until quite late, and I could stay until after supper on Sunday. 8 hours though? I don’t even mind driving that distance anymore, but it’s far. like I said, I see them only a couple of times a year.

my parents moved away from the city when I was 17. I was three weeks into my first year of university when they moved to a town 3.5 hours away from my city. five or six years later, in 2001 or 2002, they moved to a city 8 hours away. I have never, as an adult, lived in the same community as my parents and this makes me really sad.

I envy people that can pop over to their parents’ place for dinner. or who can call their dad over to have a look at something wonky in their basement. or who can go over and borrow something from their mom. or have their parents come watch them play sports (yes, even in my 30s, I’d be so excited if my parents did that! and people on my soccer team do have their parents watch their games regularly. so sweet). I would love to get to know my parents better too as people, not just parents. it would be fun to introduce them to neat things around town, or to cook dinner for them, or to just go for coffee with each of them on occasion. three boys on my soccer team are actually a dad and his two sons. so cute!

when my ex and I broke up I couldn’t go stay at my mom’s house, which was particularly awful. I had to keep living with my ex, which caused him to become exceptionally emotionally abusive towards me.

when my dad was sick I drove or flew back as often as I could, which was every two months or so. I couldn’t be there for my parents as much as I wanted to be, though, and that was super hard. I couldn’t take care of their house for them, or run errands for my mom, or really do anything useful other than call every second day.

having parents around would also be nice in terms of dogsitting too. I could use the help. I know a few people who will sit, but I am in the deficit right now so I don’t really think I can ask anyone right now unless it’s for something super important.

anyway. I miss my parents.

I hate that my ex took away my belief in marriage (vows can be taken back) and my trust in love (it doesn’t last).

I hate that my dad’s cancer took away my innocence about mortality (we really ARE all going to die and it really will be as horrible as you think it will be) by taunting me and my family with death for over a year.

and I hate that my friend’s house burning down took away any last bit of faith I had that stability could be achieved (just when you thought things couldn’t get any more horrible, they did).

I’ve spent the last four years trying to get over the past four years, but last week I finally realized that it will never be over. this period of my life isn’t transitional. this is it. there is only Pre-breakup Me and Post-breakup Me. Pre-breakup Me was hopeful, determined, optimistic, and felt secure. Post-breakup Me has little hope, is easily discouraged, and is both insecure emotionally and doesn’t feel secure at all physically. Pre-breakup Me felt that things work out. Post-breakup Me knows that ultimately, nobody will ever care about you the way that you care about you, and that when push comes to shove relying on someone else is a fool’s game. you can’t even rely on being safe in your own home.

maybe realizing that this isn’t a transition, that this is it, will make things get easier. on a good day, this will help. most of what I’ve said can simply be chalked up to Growing Up. (I’m not a complete lunatic. I know I am not a special snowflake that is the only person in the world to learn these lesson Oh Poor Baby.) wishing I was through this transition period can now go to the backburner, and working on feeling like I’m actually living my life can be my focus.

on a bad day, though, this realization will be of no help. I want my innocence back. I don’t like living in a world that will end. I don’t like living in a world where “I Do” means nothing, your parents can die, and you can lose everything you own in an instant.

today I bought $200 of clothes from Reitman’s, including the most amazing red dress. then I bought $100 of shoes: a black tall boot, and the cutest grey slip on. then I bought two pairs of glasses for $499!

I haven’t been shopping in a long, long while. I didn’t buy anything new this summer, so I haven’t been shopping since winter. I’m not much of a shopper, but hoo that felt good!

at any rate, he and I haven’t talked too much lately so I thought I’d send him an update. and since I’ve been terrible at posting lately, I thought I’d post an Edited for the Internet version here. enjoy!

I really want to write something deep and meaningful, but mostly I’m just angry at my motherf***ing wet basement. ah, such a spoiled life this Westerner lives! but seriously, fuck my motherf***ing basement!

life here is okay. not bad, no siree, but I’m frustrated at the moment. mostly it’s fatigue mixed with actual annoyances.

my new dog Simon is as cute as can be, and that’s the only thing saving both him and Katie from having to find new homes right now. Simon likes to poop and pee on anything laying around. I thought he’d been so good the past couple of weeks, but it turns out he’s found a secret new place to poop. Katie is in love with her new buddy and they play all the time, but when she plays she barks and growls and barks and growls and growls and barks. and I am so fed up with it. I’ve been looking up what to do and trying to follow it. not sure it’s working.

work is kind of dumb and boring. everyone is so grumpy these days! and last week someone stomped out of my office. but, the boss is back now and stuff is happening. so, things should get better soon I hope.

I have been seeing a boy for almost three months now! and oddly, having someone around doesn’t solve all of life’s problems. ha, not that I thought it would, but things aren’t exactly as smooth as I thought a new relationship would be. two weeks ago we were not communicating well and things were kinda rough. it got better for a bit, but then Saturday night he was also kind of ignoring me in public after I made a point of going to where he was and I damn near dumped him right there. but, the rest of the weekend was good and I think we’ve kind of broken through a bit of a barrier. (and I pointed out he was being a jerk on Saturday, and he took it well.)

he’d become the person I hang out with when nothing else is going on, which is lame. hardly a relationship. actually, that’s called my first marriage — my ex never liked to do anything I liked, and he hated my friends. FG is super sociable, though, so it’s been frustrating and confusing. but, on Sunday after the football game FG came out to the pub and hung out with some of my friends (Trevor, Dawn, Justine, Ian, Jessica), and then after we’d hung out with my friends for quite a while, we dragged Jessica to the Casino with us and hung out with FG’s friends. ooh my friend and his friends hanging out? fun! I love it when friend groups meet and like each other. and then Monday we went for brunch with my friends from Sunday, and Monday night we also played board games with them.

and somewhere in there FG said that he’d thought my friends didn’t like him, but he really enjoyed the weekend and he’s glad to know that they do in fact like him. so, it seems to me that he didn’t want to hang out with my friends because he didn’t think they liked him that much. and since we do tend to have different schedules, I am always meeting up with him later or he’s meeting up with me later, and it’s been hard to convince him to do things if we aren’t going together. he always says he wants to go, but then for some reason he doesn’t go and it all sounds like really lame reasons to me. but I am thinking that now that he actually knows and likes some of my friends, maybe getting him to hang out with them won’t be so difficult.

he’s also moving out of the house he hates in three weeks, and moving in with a friend of mine and so I think soon FG will be less grumpy about life. his current roommate has two cats that he doesn’t clean up after, and FG also has allergies, so he has been living in a filthy place that makes him sick…. ew. (he loves the roommate, just hates the cats. a lot.)

I hope things start getting a little easier for us. it seems to me that it takes a while to learn how to coordinate schedules if you both are busy and don’t necessarily do the same things or know the same people. and we do like the same things and know the same people, but we don’t quite run in the same circles. our circles know each other, but aren’t best friends I guess.

(anyway that’s mostly the end of the email, and since I chopped off the first paragraph I sent my friend, I might as well chop off the end one too. goodnight, blogworld. sorry things have been so quiet!)

things got sorted out, and we just had a super great weekend together. we hung out with his friends, my friends, both of our friend groups together. awesome!

this afternoon at supper time I had an epiphany. I realized that I was trying to force things again. I have a little box shaped like how I want my life to go and how I think a relationship should work, and I was trying to force FG into it. when he didn’t fit, I’d simply try harder. it’s what I did with my ex, it’s what I did with the guy that I used to think was the one that got away, and it’s what I did with FG.

of course, I only realized it now.

and it’s probably too late.

I’ve screwed it all up.

again.